Yes, I am talking about Tiger

okay. Here's a post I never thought I'd write. Let's talk about Tiger Woods y'all.

Tiger and Elin

I know... has this topic been exhausted enough or what?

Honestly, the whole thing just totally irks me because it just comes off as being some PR thing. I'm in PR, I know one when I see one. Honestly, I will be shocked if Elin does not have a book out in the next year or something. The whole thing just totally gets on my nerves. I understand that people cheat and make mistakes. I get that. But when cocktail waitress after cocktail waitress comes forward and you just sit there and let it all come out and then you blame it on an addiction? come on. Sex addiction? really? I call it more of an addiction to being a jackass, but whatever.


I think there has been a collective response from all "She-Woman Man-Haters" that Elin should have left him after the second or third waitress reveal came out. And when it was announced that Elin said she wasn't planning on filing for divorce right way, I'll be the first to admit that my reaction was "well of course the chick isn't going to divorce him - she'd lose tens of millions of dollars if she doesn't wait a few more years!" Ask B, I have exclaimed this several times.

But then today, I go on people.com and see that their marriage pastor released a public statement to the couple that they should work hard to make it through and to remain true to their vows. (Welp I think that "being faithful" vow has already been broken but let's focus on the rest of them). This pastor is quotes as saying "Remember these four phrases.I was wrong. I am sorry. Please forgive me. I love you."

Part of me is thinking, dude, are you looking for your own 15 minutes of fame much?

And then the other part of me is thinking, I hope they listen. Maybe it is because of the recent marriage prep workshop that I'm thinking this but they did get married and if they truly wanted to spend their lives together, then they need to invest the commitment of making it through the rough spots. No one knows another couple's relationship like the people in the relationship. And no one knows that they might never have to deal with something equally as stressing.

People often argue that celebrities have more pressure on their relationships and that's why so many of them fail. I don't know if I necessarily believe that but I'd like to think that it would be nice to actually see a public-figure married couple make it through the mess you know? Who knows - maybe in 10 years, people will be saying something like "Well if Tiger and Elin can make it through, so can we." I guess we will have to wait and see.

And that's all I have to say about that. Anything you'd like to add?

How you hope to love

After we got all the talking out of the way, the next exercise at marriage prep was to discuss marriage expectations.

We watched a video (terribly dated by the looks of the ensembles) that followed four couples - engaged about to marry, newlyweds, a couple married 10 years and a couple married 35 years - to show the different stages of a marriage. I don't think the video itself really offered much for us. Maybe it is just me but I find it distracting when you watch those documentary/informational videos that just scream "My jeans are tapered, my socks are scrunched and my sweatshirt is crewneck!"

Just me? Okay, anyway back to it.

After the video we had lunch and were asked to chat about three married couples that we know and admire. I think every couple had probably mentioned at one point or another a couple that has been married for a long time - the longevity couple. One guy said his parents had been married 52 years! B's own grandparents have been together for at least 60!

The loveliest type of love

I think it can be first instinct to admire the longevity couple and for good reason. But we ended up three different types of couples, who more closely reflect where we expect to be in the years to come:

1. B's Aunt and Uncle - The "I will follow you" couple. Because of the nature of his job, B and I may likely be moving around quite a bit in the beginning. In fact, that is how we ended up in San Francisco! His Aunt and Uncle had a similar situation - even moving to Germany at one point. It is nice to have a couple we can look up to as an example of a successful marriage that involves moving around.
2. My sister and brother in law - The "young and in love" couple. My sister and bro-in-law have been through a lot and they've only been married for four years! But they show eachother they love one another, they don't bring their arguments out for everyone to see and they make it through the early struggles together.
3. B's family's neighbors - B's family friends/neighbors also have dealt with the moving around issue so that is one of the reasons we thought about them. The other reason is that they are just so FUN. They have fun together and always show they are in love. We don't want to lose the fun.

Whose marriage do you look to as a reflection of your expectations? What qualities do you strive for in your relationship?

Overcoming the Barriers

I've talked about the communication part of the marriage prep and along with that comes communication's little brother: listening.

On Saturday we spent a few minutes discussing what things in our lives can become "barriers to intimacy" in our relationship. Just to clarify, a barrier to intimacy is something that gets in the way of you actually communicating and acknowledging one another.


The list we got included things like cell phones, computers, hobbies, tv... you get the idea. Then there was one spot where you could fill in the blank according to your own lifestyle. This wasn't something we discussed in detail so I just wrote in "selective listening" because anyone who knows me knows that sometimes I just get bored with the conversation and stop listening. I even say to B when he is talking, "I'm not listening to you right now!" as I am reading through the wedding blogs or flipping through a magazine as he is halfway through whatever story he is sharing. (I need to work on that.)

So anyway, I'm writing it down, just so B can see that I am aware of this when all the sudden he YELLS:

"Call of Duty!"

photo source

Crickets.

Apparently B was expecting a little bit of camaraderie with the other fellows but everyone was just kind of like "uhhh... let's move on".

It is true, when B gets going on Call of Duty, he's in his own world. And I usually leave the room because the game makes my head want to explode.

But at least he knows that I know that he is aware of this barrier.

My fiance sometimes blocks me out during video games. Would your guy have given a nod of agreement or a "dude, Call of Duty man" if you were prepping in there with us? Do you have any other barriers in your life?

How are you feeling today?

Now it is time for me to pass on the "Zack and Kelly" wisdom.

Basically the rundown of our marriage prep retreat went like this:

1. The moderator reviews a key issue of married life,
2. He shares his own anecdotes,
3. We break off as a couple and discuss the key issue as it applies to us,
4. We return to the group and people are invited to share reflections,
5. Awkward silence since no one wanted to share anything,
6. Move on to the next key issue,
7. Rinse and repeat.

The day started out as you might imagine, focusing on communication.

Communication Motivation Message

As it is, communication is considered the foundation of any relationship. We spent a good chunk of the day discussing this in various forms: conflict resolution, non-verbal habits and engaging in conversation. Our individual conversations gave us a chance to share with the other what our image is of them and what about them allows us to freely share our thoughts and then what might block the way we communicate.

B and I communicate pretty well. After seven years together, I'd hope we communicate pretty well. There weren't really any surprises in our conversation but it did give us a chance to share our expectations in our relationship. For example, discussing feelings.

How do you feel today?

I don't know if it is a "girl thing" or a "me" thing but I tend to get very emotional. And sometimes, B doesn't agree that I should be getting as emotional as I am. My biggest issue is that I believe you can't help you feelings. Because that's what they are, just feelings. Hearing something like "I don't think you need to feel upset about this" doesn't help. However, I'd take well to saying "I understand that you feel upset but in my opinion, you shouldn't get too worked up".

One of the couples brought up the point that it isn't HOW you feel but WHAT YOU DO in response to those feelings that are important. I thought this was a really great way to explain it.

This was one of the points in the day where "I got why" we were there. It's not easy to just sit around on a random night as you are flipping between HGTV and Wheel of Fortune and say "let's talk about feelings". We were able to discuss it and I think we are on the same page on this small part of communication.

Like I said before, B and I have been together for 7 years and really, there aren't any surprises. But we were still able to find one thing to discuss in a little more detail. If you don't have to do marriage prep as a requirement, I say it doesn't hurt to at least allot some time in a place away from home where you can lay down your communication expectations.

What parts of communication do you feel like you need to work on?

Marriage Prep with Zack and Kelly

Whew, we just got back from a day-long Marriage Prep session. You can expect a series of recap posts over the next few days as I share some of the more interesting elements.

But first, I must share with the best part of it all: Zack and Kelly.

Beat ba beat ba ba beat, Go Bayside!

Throughout the day we reviewed exercises on worksheets in a makeshift "Marriage Prep" book. Nothing fancy, just a bunch of information for us to reference as we discussed the different topics. About halfway through the day, as we were about to break off to discuss one thing or another, B leans over to me and points to the cover of the workbook and whispers, "It's Zack and Kelly!" Sure enough, we were guided by Bayside's favorite sweethearts:

Zack Morris's hair is unmistakable!

If they can't share a few tips on making it for the long haul, who can?

Oh and also, as I was typing this up and wrote "Bayside's favorite sweethearts", I literally had another mental click in my head: We live in the Bay Area. Bayside? Bay Area? Now how about that!

Prepping for Marriage Prep

Saturday is the big Marriage Prep day! We are all set to spend the entire day "reflecting on our relationship and discussing important issues" before we enter into our commitment. We were sent a list of questions that will guide us through the day, most of them from the FOCCUS test, related to respect, communication, finances, children and love. After seven years of dating, we have pretty much covered it all. We may not have discussed each point ad nauseum, but we have at least had some sort of discussion on each point at some moment in the last seven years.

As we get ready to spend a day of putting it all out on the table, I'm preparing by just...well... doing nothing? B on the other hand is quite interesting. He brings up topics randomly, like "We're going to be talking about finances. So let's talk about having a joint checking account. After we are married, what's mine and yours is ours." To me this is kind of like doing your homework before the teacher assigns it. We have a whole day set aside to discuss each of these topics, so if we start dissecting them now, we will look silly when we tell the hosts of the session that we have nothing to talk about because we already did it three days earlier. We're paying good money for this, I'd like to play by the rules.

B is the know-it-all

Am I alone in this thought? I'll let you know how things play out on Saturday - as always, I'm sure there will be plenty of new knowledge (at least for me) to share.

Sigh

I love this dress.

Claire Danes in Oscar de la Renta

It is $4790.

A girl can dream right?